AN AFFAIR

PORTRAIT of AN AFFAIR

IN CONVERSATION

Part II

THE AFFAIR II

Besotted & Stupid

JF November 13, 2007 at 9:49am

L,
It is weird not having you around... i felt it this morning when i was going to school, usually i mess around with you but today i was just looking in the sky seeing if i could see your plane; Even now when i am online i always see your name and i usually drown you in a million IM's. But it is ok i will have to deal with it. I really did enjoy your text messages in the evening those were fun and lifted my spirits :)
How are you? I know you have a hard day today but just think, it will be done with and you don’t have to worry about it for the rest of your trip.

Ok now here is the schedule
Tomorrow: Think of L working hard with other doctors at a table. Then think of sitting on L in front of all the doctors. Then make out with L in front of all the doctors...

Ok for the real schedule:
Tomorrow: Pajama day for me i am staying home and getting things done.
Wednesday: School from 11am-1pm; then work from 3-5:30 then work in ... from 6:45- whenever. Thursday: school at 11am-1pm; then class at 7:30-10pm.
Friday: I think i am going to Syracuse to Sunday... not sure still in the works.

Missing you and waiting patiently for your safe return. Don’t think of me too much i don’t want to get in the way... but just think of me a little.

Baci, baci, baci, baci
love you
Ciao Bello,
J: p.s
claire was mad that i didn’t mention her in this email and wanted to say hi to peter.

L November 13, 2007 at 2:16pm

Love love love - from a distant land but a heart close to yours. No distance can separate us.

Hope you have a marvelous birthday - love you to pieces - YVBF L

xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo HAPPY BIRTHDY MY LOVER

JF November 16, 2007 at 11:24pm

ohh my lover how do i begin to tell you all the ways in which i want to see you and touch you and make you feel oh so good.
…

 Well i want to be strong for you and hold myself for you so that when i get you in bed i am fucking strong as hell and ride you like no other.

I have to tell you…. I told Sarah about us, I had to I couldn’t hold it in… and she was like “good J it is about fucking time. I thought you were being a loser by having just cyber sex and then not actually doing it, it is such a tease but I am glad that you finally had sex”
hahah so you have Sarah’s approval.


YOU ARE SOOOOO CUTE. i LOVE you and WANT you and FUCK you and FEEL you!!!  write me soooon

J: you really blew me away, everything about you, your personality your looks everything captured me and i wanted you from the beginning

me: Here is what you said first:

  Hi Dr.S! Last night was so much fun!!! Thanks again for dinner at the club it was a wonderful experience :) ~J

 J: yea  that was good no?

me: Yes and i responded

 J: yes

 me: I thought it is awesome... You were awesome! I really want to see you again - perhaps when I am in NYC..

J: i had to see if you wanted me as i did you

 me: See how open I was how unguarded

J: and if you responded in the right way then i knew you felt the same way towards me as i did you

me: how I hung it all out there for you to trample on if you wished well that was the start of our relationship

J: but i didn’t wish to yea hold on

me: and 5 months later i fucked you for the first time

J: sorry A came in.  Yess you did!

me: kk yes I did indeed. And there is no turning back

J: no way. You go the whole way and i knew you would, that is why i was open with you also i am not like this with everyone. I don’t tell anything to anyone other than you and Sarah

me: Yes I sensed that early on - do you want to up load your pics? Will it take long???

                                                  ****************

CHRISTMAS MOON OVER CAMBRIDGE

HAPPY CHRISTMAS



SALVATION HAS COME
DO YOU FEEL IT?

ADVENT IV - ANNIVERSARY

ADVENT IV

LONDON ST Georges Hanover Sq.

                                                                                +

LFMS & JEBS

ANNIVERSARY

Advent IV

++++++++++ ADVENT III ++++++++++

                                  WAITING - WATCHING

                                                                    BUT

                                                              FOR WHAT

                                                            SALVATION?

                                                                       +

                                                BUT WHAT IS SALVATION

                                                          FOR WHOM 

                                                                 and

                                                  WHEN WILL IT COME
                                                                      +


Because I do not hope to turn again
Because I do not hope
Because I do not hope to turn
Desiring this man's gift and that man's scope
I no longer strive towards such things
(Why should the aged eagle stretch its wings?)
Why should I mourn
The vanished power of the usual reign...
T S Eliot


                      SALVATION IS THE LOSS OF DESIRE

AN AFFAIR

A Portrait of an Affair in Conversation

2007-2010

Part I

 

Beginnings

JF May 4, 2007 at 5:45pm

Hi Dr. S!
Last night was so much fun!!! Thanks again for dinner at the club it was a wonderful experience :)
~J

L May 6, 2007 at 3:47am

I thought it is awesome... You were awesome! I really want to see you again - perhaps when I am in NYC... Be sure you contact Morgen.

JF May 7, 2007 at 10:33pm

I will contact Morgen once I get back into the states, thanks again! Yes, we must meet up as I told my father you are my new best friend! I am sure that I will be in Boston as well, visiting my sister or just taking a day trip with my father. We have a good conversation dynamic...tis true. To be honest I was not expecting such a cool person as you... Have a safe trip home!

L May 8, 2007 at 2:55am

I am sure I am like normally really dull and boring. But you brought out the best in me and then some. YES if you are in Boston do let me know immediately and we'll fix something up..

Have a safe trip back. Just arrived here in Boston myself today..

First hint of sex:

JF October 2, 2007 at 8:01am

so how did you like cyber sex?? fun right?? i think people know when you did it, because today i got looks from people on the street. But not bad looks, like, wow i want you in bed. And when i was leaving from the exam my teacher totally wanted me to stay and talk to him, because i think he knew... or maybe i just looked good

L October 2, 2007 at 9:05am

but but you always look good! and I want you in bed (no disrespect here). ya it was really great fun and i sooooo enjoyed you. You are a great partner for sure. London will be lonely without you.

So you never said weather you could come down to "visit your sister" on the 13th. we could hang out for the afternoon etc. etc. a thought... you can see that i am a bit taken with your friendship and want to explore more with you.

JF October 2, 2007 at 9:53am

L you must court me first!

L October 3, 2007 at 5:21am

That was so much fun. We will have to be sure we do this whilst i am in London. It got a bit hot there - white panties etc. i felt i should leave the conversation and go jerk off. But i survived. You do have to let me see you in your white panties.

L October 4, 2007 at 6:26am

i know this is stupid. I know you have a life and i am only a very small part of it and i should have no expectation that we would be in constant contact. But being out of touch I am finding so frustrating. i am in meetings all day tomorrow and finish at about 3:30 and then need to get a train back to London. Tomorrow is your heavy day. I’ll try and get you somehow during your afternoon. I'll try texting with my US phone. Do send me a message on fb telling me whether you got any of my tests today and my crazy messages about numbers...

JF October 4, 2007 at 7:14am

L you are a big part of my life now... come on do you think i let anyone get as close as i did with you?? i like you, i like your company, i like your conversation, i like your intelligence... don’t say that again if you need to reach me or talk to me just do it. I like it when i talk to you or get messages from you, it makes me smile :) 

VÉITABLE - IMAGINAIRE

HEAVEN BUT NOT HELL

LOVE BUT NOT HATE

HOT BUT NOT COLD

KIND BUT NOT CRUEL

SWIFT BUT NOT SLOW

SWEET BUT NOT SOUR

YOUNG BUT NOT OLD

ALIVE BUT NOT DEAD

FORGIVING BUT NOT BITTER

ROOTS

"Do I know? [...] The silence, it might be ... or the stillness. To have no more running to do ... to have arrived, and have no more need to run. The appetite changes. Now I think it would be a beautiful thing to be still.”
― Ellis Peters, A Rare Benedictine

MON CHAT LE SAVANT

Le Chat savant dort parmi ses papiers

CAMBRIDGE STORY FRAGMENT - CONSUMMATION

COSUMMATION

They continue up the stairs until they reach the door to Peter’s set in Gonville Court.

Peter fumbles momentarily with the key in his pocket and he drops it. As he bends down to pick it up Claire affectionately slaps him on his ass. As he gets up Peter says "is that a foretaste of things to come" Claire just laughs quietly sways toward Peter and puts her arms around his neck. Peter quickly kisses her gently on the forehead and puts the key in the door and swings it open to the room. They enter and having sported the outer door the inner door closes with a resounding click. They slowly make their way to the sofa under the window. Once they are seated with Claire leaning on Peter’s shoulder he lifts her face to his and begins to gently run his lips over hers’. Her mouth slowly opens and his tongue invades that precious warm space. They suck at each other for a time until Peter breaks the embrace and asks: Claire do you want a drink? Why don't you make yourself comfortable and I’ll get us something. He gets up and moves across the room and out to the gyp room where there is a mini fridge. Claire rouses herself and slowly begins to unbutton her blouse. It hangs open...

Peter walks back with two glasses of champagne. He hands Claire a glass. She reaches up and takes it from him. At the same time he reaches down after she has taken the glass and gently strokes her hair. Peter asks: Are you comfortable? Um yes love. I am. He sits beside her as she sips her champagne. "do you mind?" he reaches inside her open blouse and takes her breast in his hand ever so gently and caresses it slowly.  

"please don't...let's finish our drinks.." Peter withdraws his had from the soft mound of flesh reluctantly.

"are you tired from being on the river?" he asks

"no not tired from that - just a little frightened I think."

"frightened of whom or what?" he asks quietly..

"of us I guess"

" what is there to frightened of about us?"  "Please let me touch you. It will comfort you and make you put any fear behind you."

Claire puts her glass down and removes her blouse quickly and reaches down and undoes the top button of her jeans. Peter follows her actions and puts his glass aside half finished...

"May I?" he asks gently and reaches to undo her jeans. He lifts her and slowly and rhythmically pulls down her jeans. He kneels down and pulls off her shoes one at a time and slides her jeans off her legs. She leans back in the sofa revealed to him in her panties only. He is awestruck by the beauty of her body. He lingers on the incredible line of her leg as it moves up to a hidden secret garden.

He sits next to her and pulls her to him. He is struck by the warmth and suppleness of her flesh. Her head is on his shoulders and she teasingly nibbles his neck with her wet lips. He holds her tight against him and she shudders ever so lightly. His hand reaches around and cups the cheek of her ass. He feels her and her ass is both yielding and firm in his hand. He brushes over the smooth surface of her white panties and slowly runs his finger up the cleft between her cheeks. Claire moans softly and says  'please me Peter".

Slowly as Peter continues to stroke her panty covered ass Claire says sharply. "Get up."

Peter brought out of his revere loosens his arms and withdraws his hand from her ass and slowly stands up. Claire motions him to stand in front of her as she sits up on the sofa. Peter stands there puzzled in an obvious state of excitement. Claire reaches up and begins to undo his belt. She removes it and places it on the sofa next to her. Her breasts and hard nipples betray her excitement. Her chest is flushed and rosy. She reaches for the button on his trousers and undoes it. She pulls down the zipper with an excruciating slowness brushing his engorged member trapped in his briefs as she lowers it. She pulls the waistband apart and slips down his pants. They lay at his ankles. As she looks up at Peter her eyes hold him as in a trance. He is her creature and she knows it. She runs the palm of her right hand along the length of his cotton covering his prick. Peter moans quietly and his knees begin to buckle slightly until he catches himself. Claire continues to stroke him so lightly and slowly until she says, again in a sharp voice. "Go to the end of the bed and stand facing it." Peter his trousers at his knees shuffles to the end of the bad and faces it. A moment later Claire rises form the sofa betraying her wet panties and taking the belt walks over to the bed. She places the belt on the end of the bed and goes to gather the two pillows. She places them on the end of the bed in front of Peter. When she has finished arranging them one on top the other she orders the puzzled Peter to lie across the pillows. As he does, so his ass so tightly encased in his briefs is outlined for her. She picks up the belt and moves to the side and behind Peter. He turns and looks for her. She sees the fear in his eyes as she strokes his ass with her left hand in a caressing circular motion. He turns his head back and buries his face in his arms. Claire raises the belt in her right hand and it descends on Peter’s upturned ass with a sharp retort...

You love it? smack
YES (he must say to satisfy her)
You have been a bad boy (she takes her nails and imbeds them in his skin at the top of his spine then pulls them all the way down until his ass taking off his briefs in the process, his spine erects as though a cat)
Take everything off...fast
(Peter tries lifting his left foot then right then left then right)
smack
OW
I said fast...good now spread your legs...
(she takes her fingers and smoothly feels the inside of his cheeks, she then takes her tongue and in the opposite direction of her hand licks all the way up his back)
yummy...smack  she could taste the salt from the light sweat on his back. Peter feels both some pain but mostly pleasure. As  Claire licks up his back towards his neck he spasms. His prick is leaking pre-cum and he is soaking the pillow. Claire reaches his neck and with her teeth grasps the nape of his neck. His head lifts up slightly at the sensation and Claire begins her tongue’s journey in a slowly downward arc. He shudders more uncontrollably as she reaches the small of his back. Her hands running down his sides send electric shocks through his entire frame.  After the slightest of pauses she runs her tongue down the cleft of his ass. Peter rears up on the pillow and he explodes in a Ecstasy of uncontrollable pleasure all over the pillow.  His prick trembles as his cum spews from him. With every wave his pleasure intensifies. Claire pauses as he spends and looks on with wanton lust at his quivering ass. Her inner thighs are soaked with her own juices. Claire has never been this aroused... Peter’s orgasm finished he lifts himself from the bed and turns to Claire. His eyes full of longing he seizes her by the shoulders and thrusts her on to the bed. In a single motion he lifts and spreads her legs and bends to cover her.....

He hovers over her and slowly presses his body against hers, their flesh connects. She moans and turns her head to the side he begins to kiss her neck as he rubs his pelvis up and down, slowly, then faster… she continues to punish his ass with her slaps but ever so lightly. Their humping of his prick on her cunt brings them both to a new intensity of desire. Peter says in a strained voice I want to be inside you Claire. Claire moans softly and shifts her pelvis so that as Peter lunges forward on his next thrust his prick invades her as without friction she is so caught in desire and prepared for him. For him his member has never felt such heat and softness yet firm but yielding closeness. He thrusts in and out in long slow strokes as she plunges her hips to meet his assault. She quivers and grips his organ with her body as she begins what for her is an orgasm such as she has never imagined....

SEEMING TRUE YET QUICKLY FALSE

JULIE FESKOE

     When we first met and I thought you true you                            were already false

Happy Birthday Bitch

30!

Time to grow up

THOUGHTS ON LOVE -

"What I meant was that sexual relations bore me more than they used:...I have been a spectator of  I daresay a dozen affairs of the heart ---- violent and crucial; and come to the conclusion that love is a disease; a frenzy; an epidemic; oh but how dull, how monotonous, and reducing its young men and women to what abysses of mediocrity! Its true that all my lovers were of the simplest type; and could only flush and fade crudely like sea anemones bathed now blue now red... Our loves were of a very different kind."

V. Woolf letter to Jacques Raverat Oct. 1924

WHAT IS LOVE

'What is love? Tis not hereafter - no; but it also isn't heretofore. Is it even here?  Ah, well! - But the odd thing is (among all the other oddities) that one occasionally manages to enjoy oneself.'

Lytton to George Rylands (12 August 1927)

FRENCH WORDS AND PHRASES I HAVE COLLECTED AND THAT I LIKE

Mais je le doute         suffisance

Épuisé                          rétréci

Affreux                         tres amiable

Qui se nomme            quelle joie

Mesquineries des ces jours

 À faire vomer          un peu de recueillement

                 Ça me fait rien

Mais je le doute         affreux

Délabé                         rétréci

Écrasent                    épouvantable

Très vieux                 Très maigre

Mais je le doute         suffisance

Suffisance                 Très fidèle 

Très  soigné              Quelle misère 

Dévoué                         Très amiable

HAPPY HALLOWEEN

MY WISHES FOR A LIFE

"I want to eat nothing but omelettes and cafe au lait, I want never to go out, I want to dream about copulations in the night, and write about them in the day, or vice versa, or both at the same time. I want to remember everything, and hope for nothing, and I want to die a hundred years hence, with aq volume of Randolph (sic) under my pillow, and the ghost of an erection still lingering between the sheets."
L Strachey  - to Leonard Woolf 1906

THANATOS

JMG

2007-2010

WHEN I have fears that I may cease to be
Before my pen has glean'd my teeming brain,
Before high pil`d books, in charact'ry,
Hold like rich garners the full-ripen'd grain;
When I behold, upon the night's starr'd face,	5
Huge cloudy symbols of a high romance,
And feel that I may never live to trace
Their shadows, with the magic hand of chance;
And when I feel, fair creature of an hour!
That I shall never look upon thee more,	10
Never have relish in the faery power
Of unreflecting love;—then on the shore
Of the wide world I stand alone, and think,
Till Love and Fame to nothingness do sink.

                                            Keats

SUFFERING AND THE PLACES IN THE HEART

"Man has places in his heart which do not yet exist, and into them enters suffering, in order that they might have existence."

Leon Bloy

SHADOWS ON THE WALL

TIME WAS TIME IS TIME WILL BE

RECORDI

Dialogue

jfeskoe: yea   ok so have to tell you something

 me: ya so ok

 jfeskoe: but don’t get pissed

 me: will try not to

 jfeskoe: so Kris came in and handed me a drink

 me: just now

 jfeskoe: and he wants to hang a bit and talk

  yes

 me: go or rather who do you want I guess is the real question

jfeskoe: is that ok?  really?

 me: you must choose.  Not my choice or decision tell me bluntly and honestly what you want???

jfeskoe: well i want to talk to you and straighten out tomorrow but i do want to just hang with kirs

 me: what do you want more me or him that is your choice here Jules.   it really comes down to that I think

jfeskoe: ii will stay

 me: So all I ask is for you to be honest with me.  I do not want to force you to stay.

jfeskoe: bc i do not want to upset you and cut you off

me: but you would rather be with him just now right ?

 jfeskoe: sort of -  but i want you too

 me: GO then -  see this is what I just do not get

 jfeskoe: will it be ok though?

 me: see you tomorrow perhaps if you can work that out

 jfeskoe: yes i will see you tomorrow i will come. will try not to bring maura.

 me: honestly it is not ok form my point of view it is very much not ok because what is says is not pleasant

I am not going to absolve you in this situation nor am I am not gong to force you so since it is abundantly clear you prefer home over me go drink  - do what the fuck hell you like…

ON CAMBRIDGE

'The real enchantment of Cambridge is of the intimate kind; an enchantment lingering in the nooks and corners, coming upon one gradually down the narrow streets, and ripening year by year. The little river and its lawns and willows, the old trees in the old garden, the obscure bowling-greens, the crooked lanes with glimpses of cornices and turrets, the low dark opening out on to sunny grass – in these, and in the things like these, dwells the fascination of Cambridge.’

L. Strachey

ON DEATH - STRACHEY

“-How miraculously lucky I am!  And I sat down absolutely comfortable, with a little bank of earth under the hedge for my back to lean against, and the charming English prospect before my eyes. I thought of my friends, and my extraordinary happiness. I thought of Death, of Keats and the Ode to the Nightingale, of ‘easeful Death’ – ‘half in love with easeful Death’ – and I was convinced, as I’d been convinced in the train coming down from London that if Death would only come to one in a mood of serene happiness, he would be very welcome. I thought of suddenly dying, painlessly, where I lay…”

L Strachey

IN VINO VERITAS?????

Tolstoi and Gorky

         "I do not like people when they are drunk, but I know some who become interesting when they are tipsy, who acquire what is not natural to them in their sober state ----wit, beauty of thought, alertness, and richness of language. In such cases I am ready to bless wine.”

as told by Tolstoi to Gorky